The disappearance of Germany
by mirroarleste
Summary: By day, he is Germany. By night, he is Lord Doitsu, a secret leader. Anti-doitsuists all around the world can't escape from his fabulousness. And Lord Doitsu has a plan. Two nations, the "chosen" will help him to conquer the world. But the supreme leader has a lot of enemies trying to stop him. Will Lord Doitsu prevail?
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

 _ **He is known as Germany.**_

 _ **But Germany has a secret.**_

 _ **A very dark secret.**_

 _ **He is Lord Doitsu.**_

 _ **The supreme ruler of homo.**_

 _ **The infamous leader of gayness.**_

 _ **The messiah of yaoi fangirls.**_

 _ **The nightmare of everyone else.**_

 _ **He has many names, for he is the greatest.**_

 _ **Or not.**_

* * *

It was night, and everyone in the small town somewhere in the south of Germany (*wink wink*) (but seriously, I meant the land mass) was already sleeping.

Except for her. She was desperately trying to escape the forest, escape HIM. Her legs felt like they were burning from the constant running, but she kept her pace the whole time, not being able to see the branches in the dark, until they slapped her in the face. Finally, she reached an old, small house and locked the door after she entered and fell to her knees.

The young woman was panting, partly from fear, partly from the exhaustion. She didn't have any time to process what was happening, because a few seconds after she locked the wooden door, it burst open and HE stepped in. Even if she couldn't see in the dark, she heard his loud voice.

"HAVE YOU ACCEPTED DOITSU AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR?"

"N-no!" That was the only thing she could say. He was scaring the sh...ampoo out her hair. Yeah.

His voice was calm, but cold. "I see. Looks like I will have to punish you."

He reached into his black leather pocket and pulled out a tiny pink radio (the typical plastic chinese junk type), and pressed a tiny red button.

 _"CAMP ANARCHY!"_

He frowned and pressed it again.

 _"My anaconda don't_

 _My anaconda do-"_

He pressed it again, this time slightly annoyed.

 _"It's your baby! I know it! It has the same eyes"-_

He muttered some curses and slapped the radio.

 _"Hey apple! Hey! Hey! Apple!"_

The woman started screaming. She had never heard such an annoying voice and it frustrated her. It felt like her brain was melting. This punishment was worse than hell.

Lord Doitsu stared down at her and smiled his evil smile. Punishing nonbelievers was warming his soul.

Though he didn't have one.

And besides, he had to focus on his plan, so he didn't punish her that much.

* * *

 **Hello guys :D my first chapter, yay! I hope you like it. And btw, if you got the dickfigures reference, you're awesome :D**

 **I hope this story will be fabulously gay and funny.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1: Comrade Swaginski and the walking pizza

 **It's finally ready guys! Hope you like it~**

* * *

 **Round 1**

 **Time: Sunday, 23:54**

 **Location: Osaka, Japan**

Japan's brown eyes were big, sparkly and staring at the brightly glowing screen in front of him. Many half-eaten pizzas and colorful paperbags from japanese food were carelessly thrown on the ground. The room itself was dark and definitely needed some fresh air.

On Friday, after he had went to Akihabara, Japan had locked himself in his room to play the newest harem games and hadn't even left once since then. The games were just too kawaii and the main protagonist was such sugoi desu. But one of the love interests - the girl with the cute cat ears - just showed him her gangsta tattoo. "What a disrespectful girl!" he thought. "Is she the daughter of a Yakuza boss or something?!". He (his character) would totally not tap that (mainly because he was pretty sure that the girl was not even legal, but that's another topic).

However, Taiwan came in sometimes, to see if everything was alright (or to make sure that Japan wasn't committing "honorable seppuku" because he reached the bad end or something) and even brought food so he didn't starve and slowly die, soon buried under manga and other junk. Considering the amount of rotten food in his room, that was actually quite possible.

 _Knock knock knock_

"Hey Japan! Are you still in there? Can I come in?"

Japan almost fell from his self-made pillow mountain and slowly crawled to the door and opened it, still laying on the ground. The normal Japan would never do it like this, but playing video games for 56 hours straight makes you shut your brain off and act like an idiot. Also, his voice was, due to the lack of use in the past days, gone. This was Japan in his animu mode. An emotional, dangerous, careless weaboo, who had no idea what personal hygiene or taking responsibility for shitty fanart meant.

Video games are dangerous. Go buy a book or something.

Like a Death Note. Yeah, buy that.

"I bought some Takoyaki and Butaman¹- oh my god." Taiwan was now standing in the middle of his room, ankle-deep stuck in what seemed like ancient remains of pizza. She chose to not examine it closer, because she was pretty sure she saw it moving. "You need a shower! And you have to clean this mess up! And prepare for the meeting tomorrow!"

Japan stared at her, dumbfounded as he was trying to process what she just said. Meeting? Tomorrow? Wasn't it still Friday? _Maybe he had been playing Neko Adventure a little bit too much..._ He tried to ask her something, but only a weak "waheyiit" came out.

"What? Japan, speak normal!" Taiwan impatiently stomped her foot on the ground. "The meeting starts in 15 hours and we're still in Osaka! We have to catch a plane now!"

Japan had the time to think _Taiwan-chan is so kawaii when she acts OOC,_ before he cleaned his throat and repeated himself. "...w-what day is it?"

"Sunday, almost midnight."

Japan made a face like :0

Taiwan answered with '-'

"...thank you." he muttered. "... I will clean up now. You should go home."

"I can help you! I'm 100% sure that I saw something moving on the pepperoni pizza next to you and I'm not sure if you can handle it alone."

Japan nodded, but politely declined the offer (he didn't want her to accidentally find the yaoi manga hidden under mount pillow).(and he would find a way to deal with the living pizza).

After Taiwan left, he hurried into the bathroom and under the shower, hurried out, threw everything away that didn't look like manga or important paperwork, tiredly rubbed his eyes and... went back to playing Neko Adventure. He still had to scold that disrespectful yakuza girl after all! I mean seriously, do you really expect animu-japan to actually prepare for a stupid meeting if there is the brand-new, kawaii neko desu game practically begging him to play? I hope you didn't. But I'm not angry if you did, because I know you guys only want the best for him :)

Suddenly, a hard object hit him on the head and the last thing he saw before his world turned black, was the walking pepperoni pizza.

* * *

 **Round 1**

 **Time: Monday, 12:04**

 **Location: Norilsk, Russia**

Russia was bored. _Really_ bored. Came-very-close-to-actually-cleaning-the-house bored. There was nothing you could do in a city like Norilsk, except maybe for freezing your ass off and experiencing how it felt to breath with a smoker's lung², but sometimes, business was more important than health. And besides, he had to leave for the conference at Germany's in a few hours. So, he did what everyone does when they're bored. He started looking for good fan fictions. RusAme fan fictions, to be exact. He wanted to send them to America later to troll him, because everyone who plays Counter Strike and Dota 2 knows that Russians are badass trolls.

But that got boring after a while, so he went on Tumblr, where he had two blogs. One was called Ivan-SWAGinski (where he had really cool *douchebag* posts about how thug life chose him). On the other one, he posted beautiful poems, all written by himself, about sunflowers (that's not gay, that's russian). (And even if it was gay, why would you have a problem with it?). (Are you homophobic?). (Joking, I mean just the fact that you are reading this proves you're an open-minded person).

Recently, someone called Pandaru reposted everything he posted, so you say things were getting pretty serious.

 **A chat between Swaginski and Pandaru!**

 **Sw: privyet comrade. become one with me**

 **Pa: NO**

 **Sw: but comrade, comradism doesn't work with one nation, we all have to unite. or else we will have to live with crazy dictator from Georgia.**

 **Pa: you just can't go around and ask people TO BECOME ONE WITH YOU**

 **Sw: then lets just drink vodka, da my little sunflower?**

 **Pa: why are you suddenly talking as if I am a mary-sue and this is a readerxrussia? And why are you acting so russian?**

 **Sw: comrade i am russian**

 **Pa: ...do you drink vodka for breakfast? Like in that stereotype song³? And do you have a shrine for putin?**

 **Sw: about Putin: Niet (•_•). about vodka: of course. about becoming one with me: YES**

 **Pandaru has left the chat**.

Russia smiled. Of course everyone wanted to become one him. They were just shy. Like Ukraine, for example. But he was bored and decided to troll America.

America didn't hate books. He despised them. They were worse than terrorists and the last episode of How I met your mother combined. But he was a super power and super powers had to know everything. And he needed to look smart, he was famous for dumb people in Walmart for God's sake! But when America entered the library, he heard the star-wars main theme playing in his pocket. It was his ringtone (he had a brand-new iPhone 6, his third one because he bent the last two to the point where they broke, for the vine) and he had 2 new messages! One of them was from China- no, Taiwan and it said: "Help me! Japan was attacked by a living pepperoni pizza! Now he doesn't wake up and the pizza is gone!" But he ignored that. Why? Because the other message was from Russia.

 **Rus: amerikaa im bored**

 **Ame: mee too**

 **Rus: what can we do noww**

 **Ame: russia that ff u sent me gave me weird thoughts**

 **Ame: btw what do u think about obama and putin**

 **Rus: (°u°)**

 **Ame: I see**

 **Rus: cyka please Putin is the manliest man ever**

 **Rus: Obama and Merkel are just western weaklings**

 **Ame: ummm no**

 **Rus: ummm da**

 **Ame: ...whatever**

 **Ame: "I can do it obamaself"**

 **Ame: "Obama can I putin"**

 **Ame: "With love from moscow"**

 **Rus: you are really pushing my bhutans**

 **Ame: don't be so tsarcastic**

 **Rus: are you china be funny**

They were trying really hard to not laugh their asses off.

 **Ame: it tokyo long enough**

 **Rus: i need some germoney**

 **Ame: denmark it so I know that it's yours**

 **Rus: norway!**

 **Ame: calm down, I'm not russian.**

 **Rus: this israeli not funny. can we stop**

 **Ame: I dunno, kenya? (K we stop)**

 **Ame: back to the hot stuff**

 **Rus: ...but seriously putin is like 1000% manlier than obama**

 **Ame: AND THAT'S IT COMMIE ILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN**

America was pissed. That was why he hated Russia, he had a badass bear-riding dude and America had George W. Bush Jr. (Alfred swore himself that he would never ever vote for that guy again). He was so pissed, that he didn't even realize that a dark shadow was following him (which was totally not the great Lord Doitsu). Suddenly, the bookshelves around him disappeared, turning into a black nothing and America fainted.

* * *

 **That's some high quality drama writing at the end, right? XD Don't worry, the ff actually has a plot, but I'll need like two or three chapters to actually get to it). Writing the puns was extremely fun, I was giggling like a small child the whole time. Sorry if my chapters are so short, I always try to write as long as I can. By the way, cyka means b*tch in russian. I was not sure if that's still T, so I simply wrote it like that.**

 **Information Time!**

 **¹ Butaman is a dumpling filled with pork and a specialty from Osaka. Takoyaki is like a small ball of dough (as big as a plum) with octopus in it.**

 **² Norilsk is, due to its industry, one of the dirtiest cities of the world. It's very cold there, and I heard that the pollution is so bad that even the snow turns grey or black sometimes.**

 **³ The funniest song ever. Go listen to it on YouTube if you haven't yet.**

 **Thanks for the reviews, they really encouraged me to keep writing :D**

 **Edit: corrected some mistakes and added some sentences.**

 **Preview: Germany is missing! The other nations are clueless about what could have happened to him. And what about Japan and America? What will happen to the pizza?*dramatic music* Find out in the next chapter!**


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